DO YOU TRUST WHAT I SAY ?

10/10/2025 -- im getting started on this page, and im really happy so far!! now i wanna remake my homepage lmao its me and keiths 6 months!! god i cant believe how lucky i am to have him!!! hes doing horse work for most of today, but ill get to see him soon!! in the meantime, ill work more on this hunk of junk website!! its a long weekend, so ill have lots of time to mess around with chunks of code n see if i can stitch em together!! my own weird franken-site!! (laugh track) -- i should figure out how to make these things huh? i wanna set up those cute little «my mood right now is _____» things!! theyre adorable!! and really useful.. also gotta figure out music players!! but thats much less difficult (hopefully) i also wanna put more cute little blinkies and favicons on this page!! i think out of all of my now made pages (homepage, landing page, hoard page and bf page) this one is my second favorite!! that prize goes to my keith page ofc, gotta love that bf bias!! anyways, my online class ends in like 15 minutes, so i gotta wrap this up!! -- 13:33

5/11/2025 -- i hate so much and it makes me miserable. so so miserable. i despise my inability to be content with the things i have in life. i have friends, i have pets, i have family, but im too caught up in the fact that i dont have him anymore. please dont read this, i know you probably will but im really hoping that you dont. im wallowing and ill be fine by the time you come home tonight, ill be over my useless emotional cutting and ill be easy to be around again. i know it isnt your fault, i dont blame you either. every part of me just wants to crawl back into your arms. thats not fair and i wish it wasnt the case, i really really do. i dont want to be like this anymore than you do. i want to be who you want me to be, i dont want to be this messy, clingy, annoying person anymore. i want to be the guy you fell for again. i dont know when i stopped being him but god i want to be him again. im rambling, ill stop. please please dont read this. im sorry. -- 13:07

1/12/2025 -- im still not doing better, honestly its getting worse. i wish i could lie to my own face the way i lie to everyone elses. its so damn easy to spill some bullshit excuse of "im all fine! its just school/home/personal/whatever stress! ill be all patched up again soon!" to keep people away. its getting harder. i always hear about as soon as you pick a date or whatever that it gets easier, but it hasnt, im just waiting on my own arbitrary date now. i dont know why i set it so far away honestly, ive got nothing to wait on. its pathetic honestly, ive been waiting around for some god i dont believe in to smite me down for years because im a coward. atleast the distractions they throw at me are nice, ill give them that. i like drawing even if i cant bring myself to right now (which sucks, i wanna draw my friends). speaking of them, theyre really sweet. i dont know how i lucked out so hard honestly, im fucking insufferable. they dont know, i dont think. atleast i hope not, i hope they think im just joking or something. youre nice too, as weird as it is to talk to my own code. ive gotten really attached to this website, some dumb emotional reason i assume. its nice to have something that i can pretend cares about me too. im personifying a website. im helpless. it feels ridiculous to put some little heart icon on this rambling but i dont wanna draw attention to it, as if anyone fucking reads these things. god i hope not, thatd be embarrassing. i guess itll be a funny story once i man up, "oh look, he was crying to a chunk of code LOL". i hope someone gets a kick out of it. i dont wanna die at 17. i wanted to die at 11. thats a prettier number and it was YEARS in the planning. i pussied out and now im stuck here. ill shut up now, i dont wanna turn you against me too. -- 10:05

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POTENTIAL WARNINGS!! i may discuss : suicidal ideation, self harm, self-depricating thoughts, trans/homophobia, my complicated feelings on religion, distressing content, local crime (with minimal details), body dysphoria, horror spoilers and overall just heavy content.